Resume

What's funny is that just when you think you have somewhat transformed into an ok, sort-of, human being, you're really not. You are letters on a paper that you created on your computer. That's it.

I'm sitting here wondering how I'm going to live my life comfortably and happily and it scares the shit out of me because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The easy route is conforming to a job that pays, but makes me absolutely miserable for eight hours. Sure, I'd have nicer things, but somehow, devoting eight hours of my day to something that doesn't make me fucking thrive makes me run a different direction.

I didn't really care for school. I finished it because it was something I was supposed to do, it was expected of me. School wasn't hard, what was hard was devoting time to it, because it didn't make me thrive and I didn't see the point. I never wanted to be something, I wanted to be SOMEONE.

So I'm here, sometimes late at night, trying to figure out who I'm trying to be in front of a computer screen again. Trying to make myself seem like I'm perfect to complete strangers. Trying to convince someone that I'm educated enough and worthy enough to work for them. Doing all the things I'm not interested in doing. I don't want a real job, I don't care to use my education towards a "real job". What the fuck is a real job anyway? It sounds like hell.

Because I turn 25 today.

Today marks my 25th birthday and I like to think that I have evolved into a solid human. 

Just kidding, I have no idea what a solid human being even means.

SIDE NOTE:

I wrote this on my birthday and never finished it, I thought it was hilarious.

Rafael Gonzalez

    March 13.

Today is my grandfather's birthday. I write blogs all the time, don't edit them, leave them as drafts... you know.....

Today is a little different, I'm off from work, I'm in a great mood, I feel like I should praise a man that I love so much. 

Here's a little more about me:

The Gonzalez side of my family is very "particular". To put it very lightly, we consist of mostly strong personalities that usually don't speak the same language, and all like to speak at the same time.  Yeah, I think that pretty much sums it up.  I love my family, but for years, could not UNDERSTAND our family dynamics.  As I have gotten older, I have come to realize and understand why people are the way they are. That's a whole other blog. 

  

One thing is for sure, we all came from Rafael Gonzalez. There are so many adjectives I could use to describe my abuelito, but I rather share some stories.

 Oh and another thing, I am so grateful to have had him enough time in my life to gather these memories.  He also passed at an age that I was able to understand what was going on and I was also able to appreciate my grandpa. 

I'm not sure if my dad would ask him to, or if he just wanted to, but he used to pick me up from school every single  day, (even though Garza is literally my backyard) and just talk to me. He always had an opinion about something and somehow knew a little something about EVERYTHING. I remember him asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I always said I wanted to be a singer. He responded by saying for me never to be a lawyer because they're "cabrones" (haha). He'd come inside my house and ask me for a glass of water and drink it so happily, saying that our water was the best water he had ever tasted. 

I laugh thinking about how he always stole extra blue straws from Jack-In-The-Box because he always liked to have a little extra. As a little girl, my  grandparents would take me to Klink's for breakfast and after he'd always go to a store called La Mac, which was next door. His endless collection of pocket knives and fake miniature dogs .. hahaha so cute. He loved food so much! I remember his last meal before he had to be on a strict diet because he became diabetic. He savored it so deliciously. My favorite memories of him were with a guitar or with little tears in his SUPER beautiful eyes from laughing so hard.

One time he bought me a pack of pencils and told me that the pencils were for me, but the pencil sharpener they came with was his because he liked it. I thought it was so funny. Or how he used to put pieces of corn tortillas or bread outside to feed the birds.  He would also feed the stray cats, until one day one of the cats gave birth in my dad's furniture store. He was so pissed. hahahaaha

My grandpa never failed to have some kind of fruit on hand.  He was always peeling something delicious. 

One of the things that always caught my attention was his stare. My grandpa had the most beautiful eyes in this world. I look for eyes like that all the time and find comfort in knowing that one day I will see them again.

When he started getting older and his heart started giving out, my parents and I took him to Houston for surgery. Even though his chances were slim, he made it through. I had experienced hospitals before because of my dad, but I had never been allowed to see someone I loved, so weak, and so close to death.  I was allowed to see him because they thought he would die during that trip.  He fucking survived. Which brings me to my next point. 

My father's health condition has also made my father a fighter.  My dad has cut it close many times, but somehow always pulls through. They're both survivors with soft hearts. Even the last time my dad cut it close, he bounced back. Look at him now making fun of my hair and shit. ;)

 I was angry for a long time after he died. Someone gathered our most treasured photos of him to put together a video collage and never gave them back. I was livid. I wanted the pictures SO BADLY.  I asked nicely, I asked rudely, I asked a million times, and NEVER got them back. As I grew older, I realized that I did not need those pictures anymore. I did not need to pictures to remind me of my grandfather. My grandpa lives through me. Another thing I noticed is the similarities between him and my father, little by little, I notice small, but significant things that they have in common. I like to think that I have a version 2.0 of my grandpa, in my dad, which is so comforting on so many levels. Fuck the pictures, those don't mean shit once you place value in PEOPLE, not pieces of paper. Like I said, I don't need them anymore. 

I selfishly want him here today. I realize that this world is too ugly for someone as beautiful as him.  I hope he didn't suffer too much in life, and if he did, he didn't show it. Somehow he always had a boyish smile on his face and a little pep in his step. I can almost smell him sometimes. I know he's around. I know he's taking care of us. 

Happy birthday to my abuelito, Rafael Gonzalez, mi angelito. 

UPDATE!

DIY blogs are not my calling.  Although very fun, under pressure, not so much. I do know that I enjoy blogging about things that just come up. Here's a little bit about the 24 year old version of me:

I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Communication Studies.  I have done absolutely nothing with it that I can say gives me a substantial amount of money.  I serve tables for a living.  I genuinely enjoy the restaurant environment. My co-workers would describe me as a happy person. I  pride myself in my work ethic and my ability to strike up a conversation, big or small, with every person that works with me, every single day.  I come from the most incredible people.  I fucking kid you not, I look at my parents and I am amazed and honored to have been born to them. I was also raised with the most amazing human being, which is my brother. I don't know how to describe the love I have for my sibling but my brother is the most noble, kind-hearted, person you will ever meet. Don't get me wrong, he's not the Easter bunny either, he's also a badass mother fucker that will chomp you if needed. 

I like to think that I am mostly happy. I'd say I'm happy 88% of the time.  Sometimes I let thoughts cross my mind, I am human. I also think I'm always right, all the time. I also think that I should make all the decisions. 

I became a runner about 2 years ago.  I found myself dealing with a lot of anxiety.  I would sit in class and chew all the skin around my finger nails.  I would often start gagging, out of anxiety.  I wouldn't vomit, I would just gag and gag and gag. Most importantly I felt extremely empty and mostly just sad all the time. I knew things weren't right in my head. I had all the built up stress from I don't know what the fuck and one day I decided that I needed to focus all my energy in something that made me feel empowered. It used to be singing. I used to focus all my energy in being the best singer I could be. I would practice for hours.  I would stress out so much about competitions that I would make myself sick.  That's all funny now. 

Back to running. Running makes me feel whole. I feel like the woman I was raised to be after running 10+ miles. Although my parents aren't athletic, they are both incredibly mentally and physically strong. When I first started running, I couldn't run a quarter of a mile without needing a break.  Now I think that 10k's are short runs. hahaha I continue to want to become a better runner every single day.  Even if I'm not running, I'm reading, talking, or thinking about it. I have more workout clothes than regular clothes and I buy my favorite running shoes when I see them in fear that they stop making them one day. 

I am OCD UP THE BUTT. I didn't realize my OCD tendencies until I started focusing on myself.  After I got out of my last relationship I felt like I needed to regroup and find myself all over again. I started trying things that I thought I would never like. For example: country dancing, biking, running, taking jager bombs, and pecans... holy shit... trying pecans was life changing. I didn't know what life could be like with pecans and let me tell you that it's a lot more satisfying. 

OCD TENDENCIES:

I count the seconds it takes to fill anything up. I lock my car three times, once when I get out, once when  I get to my front door, and one more time when I am in my bedroom.  I always touch the plate that is carried in my right hand twice before I take it to the table it belongs to.  I bite the hell out of the skin around my nails.  I have to smell what I drink before I drink it.  I absolutely have to have something to drink, mostly water, if not I feel like I haven't had liquid in weeks and feel like I'm dying. 

I am convinced in my head that I will be blind one day.  I like to walk around my house with my eyes closed and try to learn my environment just in case.  I also think I will lose my right hand one day, so I often practice writing with my left hand.  I still, absolutely, enjoy the art of handwriting. Oh my goodness. 

Which leads me to my romantic life.  I don't look up to many marriages. I compare mostly everyone to my parents.  You should see my parents love each other through times of peace, you should see them love each other when shit hits the fan. Regardless, my parent's love absolutely thrives. I am so grateful that my parents have a real relationship, but still love each other. I appreciate being raised in that kind of household. I can only compare the man I want to marry to my father and my brother who are the ultimate men to me.  I want someone to love me as much as my father loves my mother, and my brother loves his Val. 

So I'm hunting you know? I started this hunt since I was about 5 years old. I'm hopeful, but also very realistic. I'm probably going to be that old lady that finds the love of her life at 90 and dies at 91. Thankfully, I've never been the type of lady that needs a companion, I do bad all by myself, but I would most definitely enjoy high-fiving someone after a game of Gestures or eating chips with someone while they watch TV and I completely ignore it. I date a lot. I meet a lot of guys who sing that same song, "YOU'RE SO COOL, WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?" I'm single because you're boring as shit.  I know what I bring to the table, and trust me your sardines do nothing for me. Smart guys, ugly guys, fat guys, short guys, tall guys, all that shit doesn't matter.  At the end of the day, if you can hold a conversation with me, respond to the stupid shit that comes out my mouth, and understand that I value my family more than anything, I'll want to keep you around. When I want you around, that means something. I never want anyone around. I've had like 4 boyfriends. I've dated like 340958435 guys. You connect the dots. 

My favorite part about me is that I want to live so bad. I find that I live in different ways. I find sitting across my grandparents and getting to know them past the whole "grandma/grandpa" relationship absolutely fulfilling. I find happiness in bowl full of stale crackers. I laugh at my own jokes. I kiss all the babies. I drink all the beers. I buy all the underwear. Hoping to expand my living through traveling. I know there is life beyond, school, job, marriage, grow old, die... I THRIVE when I push my body to its absolute limits. God graced me with this healthy body and I feel so alive when I take it out to do things like running. 

I absolutely never want to be rich. I never want to live in a house that I never have time to actually live in or is too big for me to clean.  I never want my kids to have new cars. I never want my kids to think that they have the luxury of not working. I don't ever want a fancy car.  I never want to own a purse that costs more than my car payment. I find that there are bigger things. I want my children to know me. I want my children to know their grandparents. I want them to understand that there are far more important things in this world than pieces of paper that define who you are.  There is a beauty that comes with that mentality.  

Oh, and I absolutely love gummy bears.  If you take anything from today.. gummy bears. 

DIY SHAVING CREAM!

I loved stumbling upon this DIY shaving cream post on Pinterest!

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/73394668900751155/

I am one of those girls that HAS to shave with something more moisturizing than a bar of soap.  If I don't, I get razor burn galore and we all know how sexy THAT is.  Shaving cream can be expensive and runs out fast if you're a hairy beast like I am.  I really liked this idea because you can buy inexpensive products and make a lot of shaving cream all at once.

Here's what you'll need:

• 1 cup of conditoner
• 1 cup of shampoo
• 5 tablespoons of baby lotion
• 5 tablespoons of baby oil
• A container to store this when you're finished

Take all your ingredients and mix them up!

Let this sit for an hour, then you're ready to use!

Aspirin acne spot treatment!

Yet another blog about putting stuff on your face!  I struggle with acne, so I'm always looking for new ways to tackle it.  I have tried many spot treatments, but I have noticed that even though they DO work, they all burn my skin.  I end up with a dry spot on my face for days that not even 50 pounds of make-up can hide.  I decided to try out this Aspirin spot treatment after seeing it on Pinterest.  Aspirin is so cheap and most of us have it in our medicine cabinet. This is where I found the pin. 

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/442971313318021102/

You basically just crush some Aspirin and add a few drops of water.  I used 3 uncoated pills and 3-4 drops of water.  You want a pasty consistency.  Then you just put it on your problem areas.  I got a little carried away, OBVIOUSLY.

I can't say that this was a miracle worker, but my skin definitely felt dryer (in a good way) and tighter (again, in a good way).  You just remove this with warm water and they you go on with your bad self the rest of the day. :)

Hope you get to try this out!

- Gabby

Delicious face mask

I'm all about that face mask life.  In fact, if you were to follow me around for 24 hours, you'd probably catch me in some kind of face mask for at least 20 of those hours.  I just love trying new things on my skin.  I came across this pin and thought, "this s

ounds delicious!" So of course, I had to try it!

Here is the pin:

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/345018021423241730/

You will need:

• 1 teaspoon of nutmeg
• 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
• 2 tablespoons of honey

This is VERY simple! Just mix this up in a bowl and smear it all over your face! Please get all your hair out of the way, it will be a very sticky mess if you don't.  I also recommend you wearing a t-shirt you don't mind honey dripping on, since the honey tends to start dripping after a couple of minutes. And last but not least, yes, you can eat it, I encourage you to lick some off, IT'S DELICIOUS! Here is what I looked like with it on. :)

Keep this baby on for 15 minutes, then rinse off with warm water. Don't be afraid to scrub it off since the cinnamon and nutmeg are gentle exfoliators.  The honey will keep your skin nice and hydrated. Hope you enjoy the face mask!

- Gabby